Thursday, October 24, 2013

Exhaustion and Fleeting Thoughts

This is strictly Aaron speaking...pretty sure Megan doesn't want me to post this but I'm having a hard time faking it lately.

I'm just so tired of pretending that everything is okay.  I'm tired of always trying to find the meaning in all of this.

Can I say that sometimes there are things that just suck.  Is that a crime?

I'm tired.  I'm tired of the medical bills that arrive in the mail that we just can't pay and then fall deeper into debt over. 

I'm tired of not sleeping through the night because Meara needs us or if she happens not to come into our bedroom that it's because my worst nightmare has come true. 

I'm tired of having to make medical decisions that an average parent with average kids with no major medical issues don't have to make.

I'm tired of waking up every single day having to accept the fact that I won't hear my little brother's voice again.

I'm tired of giving my all to a profession every day that is absolutely completely obsessed with the most useless time consuming worthless devices for "reforming" or "fixing" the education system.  Let me spell it out for those in charge of bringing all of this uselessness to us: GIVE US THE TIME TO KNOW OUR STUDENTS.  It isn't rocket science.  If I have meaningful, let me say that again, meaningful (!) time with my students I will teach them effectively.  Teaching the individual child means having the time to learn who they are and for them to learn who you are.  You'd be surprised what can happen in learning when the environment is set up to be meaningful.  You don't fix the "achievement gap" by ignoring the human essence of the child.  They are humans.  Not a case study or a carbon copy of some ideal high achieving pretend student that everyone thinks will be the saving grace to our greedy capitalistic economy driven society.  Let teachers teach.  Let them spend time with their students in meaningful work that they (the teachers) decide will work for their students.  And for goodness sake, can we please stop using "achievement" as a marker for success?  I'm nationally board certified.  Do you think I feel like a complete success right now in life?  If you are reading this post then you know the answer to that question.

I'm tired.  I'm sure after a good night's rest I'll post something more inspirational or positive.  But even a good night's rest won't take all of this stuff away…

I'm not the inspiration or strong man that everyone makes me out to be.  I'm just someone who's trying to not fail every single day. 

I know it could be worse. 

1 comment:

  1. It's perfectly okay to be tired. Thank you for this post of authenticity. When our son was going through suicide attempts, I felt the same way. Wary, weary, and just needed a break from it all. God knows your heart and hears your cry. He will comfort you and remind you of his strength and presence. Sending you love and hugs.