Thursday, December 21, 2017

The Intimacy of Silence

Silence is the best friend of my soul's intention. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to find the silence. So much distraction and noise, something to replace the quiet that appears to be such a terrifying premise for most people these days. Being alive is often equated to accomplishment and productivity. What if being truly alive is letting the mind swim in silence. What if pondering thoughts within brings more meaning and satisfaction than the emptiness of noise and constant distraction.

Staying alive has got to be more than the manufactured world around us. It's got to be more than what our egos allow us to be. There is something mystical, something that can't be named that floats our soul above all the petty and superficial constructs that we've allowed to consume us.

If we just lay awake as if there is nothing but this one moment. This one breath. How would you spend this waking moment? Would you spend it learning about what others think of you and what they expect? Or would you breath in the immensity of the moment. Would you bathe yourself in the silence and the warmth that surrounds you and the immediate space that you inhabit.

Everyone says time is precious. But the real question is, do you believe that you are precious? Enough to take hold of your silence and breathe it in?

Monday, September 4, 2017

No cliff notes here...

The passing of time is so fickle.  It never really leans into you, does it? More of a chase… I feel like I'm always either trying to lasso it and hold it back or drag it behind me.  Either way, it listens to no one, especially me.

The brokenness of a authentic life is either plain to the simple eye, or complicated…depending on what lens you look through. It can either bring the fortune of true self and unapologetic openness or it can live inside you like a hermit, never wanting to see the outside world or have anything to do with it.

I guess it all depends on who the participants are.  In and around your life.  True, there are some that I keep the sleeve of my heart close.  Others, I'm as raw and descript as anyone can hope to be.

It has been quite sometime since I've written, mainly because I have felt I don't have anything to say.  What can I say? That I struggle with depression and some days, weeks, I do okay, and then boom, out of nowhere it hits me like semi-truck.  Laid up in bed, without any way to pull myself out.  Because, let me share something…it takes personal fortitude to get out of it.  Don't get me wrong, I have many supporters, I am cared for.  But, it takes someone walking beside me, not in front of me. I'm blessed to have Megan, she understands this very well.

Should I say that Meara has been having some intense seizures since April? Not the normal ones…these are the ones where we start the clock and run downstairs for the emergency med. Do I share that we live each day for what we have with her, because we don't want to imagine a tomorrow without her? The reality is that we have to think about it.  If we don't, we won't keep the emergency med within reaching distance.  If we don't think about it we won't keep pursuing medical solutions to controlling her seizures.  We have to think of the possibility of what could happen, so we can do everything within our power to stop it.

Do I keep Ben's entrance into Heaven between me and my personal grief?  I dropped off some money to the local fire department today.  Rang the doorbell and this young, tall, muscular guy answered the front door.  As I handed him the money I explained that we missed "the boot" while we were out this weekend and didn't want to miss the opportunity to help out MDA.  I shared with him about Ben and how much MDA and the summer camps meant to our family. He said he was sorry for our loss.  I said, don't be sorry.  Ben made me who I am.  It's why I am here talking to you.  So I said thank you for everything they do for our community and for MDA and was on my way.

The short answer is no.  No, I do not censor, or cliff note my life, or any of the lessons that I have been taught.  It means authenticity is messy, and somewhat direct.  Like jumping into cold water on a hot day. You know for a second it's going to shock your system, but after a few moments, you are so glad you made the leap.

Love to a world that needs love.  Forgiveness to a world that need forgiveness, including myself.  And a wish that as I grow closer to those around me that I maintain a imperfect presentation…the one that is wholeheartedly me.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Update on Meara

Hello All,

I need to give an update on Meara. And then Megan and I will focus on next steps.

On Thursday morning Ainsley woke Megan and I up a little after 6:00am and informed us that Meara was having a seizure and that she couldn't wake Meara up.  When Megan and I realized that this was not her normal seizure status and she wasn't coming out of it we gave her an emergency med.  Her seizure likely lasted 7-10 minutes. We called 911, which is what the doctors had told us to do when administering the emergency med, and Meara was transported to Exempla Hospital by ambulance. She was admitted to the ER and stabilized by the doctors.  After a few hours Meara was able answer the doctors' questions. After a discussion of next steps with her neurosurgery and neurology docs at Childrens she was sent to Children's for a MRI. Her seizure was violent. Really, its the best way to describe it. The only way that we got her seizure to stop is by giving her the med.

I am struggling to talk about it out loud. We are now at a new normal that quite frankly, Megan and I always hoped would never happen.  We don't know next steps yet.  I've been sleeping in Meara's bed with her and this will be the case, at least until we can figure out a way to have a definitive alert system set up.

I deactivated my facebook account yesterday.  I need to focus on intimacy with my family.  I have not been the husband that I want to be for Megan. She deserves better. I am a shell of a person and Thursday was the last thing.  I need to focus on improving myself and learning how to be stronger for my wife. It is time. Especially with this new normal for Meara. For too long I've been distracted and just hoping things would get better.  I have to get back to simpler things that are most important to me.  I am available face to face, by phone, text, or email (

I love you all.