The passing of time is so fickle. It never really leans into you, does it? More of a chase… I feel like I'm always either trying to lasso it and hold it back or drag it behind me. Either way, it listens to no one, especially me.
The brokenness of a authentic life is either plain to the simple eye, or complicated…depending on what lens you look through. It can either bring the fortune of true self and unapologetic openness or it can live inside you like a hermit, never wanting to see the outside world or have anything to do with it.
I guess it all depends on who the participants are. In and around your life. True, there are some that I keep the sleeve of my heart close. Others, I'm as raw and descript as anyone can hope to be.
It has been quite sometime since I've written, mainly because I have felt I don't have anything to say. What can I say? That I struggle with depression and some days, weeks, I do okay, and then boom, out of nowhere it hits me like semi-truck. Laid up in bed, without any way to pull myself out. Because, let me share something…it takes personal fortitude to get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I have many supporters, I am cared for. But, it takes someone walking beside me, not in front of me. I'm blessed to have Megan, she understands this very well.
Should I say that Meara has been having some intense seizures since April? Not the normal ones…these are the ones where we start the clock and run downstairs for the emergency med. Do I share that we live each day for what we have with her, because we don't want to imagine a tomorrow without her? The reality is that we have to think about it. If we don't, we won't keep the emergency med within reaching distance. If we don't think about it we won't keep pursuing medical solutions to controlling her seizures. We have to think of the possibility of what could happen, so we can do everything within our power to stop it.
Do I keep Ben's entrance into Heaven between me and my personal grief? I dropped off some money to the local fire department today. Rang the doorbell and this young, tall, muscular guy answered the front door. As I handed him the money I explained that we missed "the boot" while we were out this weekend and didn't want to miss the opportunity to help out MDA. I shared with him about Ben and how much MDA and the summer camps meant to our family. He said he was sorry for our loss. I said, don't be sorry. Ben made me who I am. It's why I am here talking to you. So I said thank you for everything they do for our community and for MDA and was on my way.
The short answer is no. No, I do not censor, or cliff note my life, or any of the lessons that I have been taught. It means authenticity is messy, and somewhat direct. Like jumping into cold water on a hot day. You know for a second it's going to shock your system, but after a few moments, you are so glad you made the leap.
Love to a world that needs love. Forgiveness to a world that need forgiveness, including myself. And a wish that as I grow closer to those around me that I maintain a imperfect presentation…the one that is wholeheartedly me.