Monday, August 1, 2016

There is a lot to reconcile in life. Whether it is your journey, your mate's journey, or your neighbor's. Everyone has "stuff" to reconcile. And the "stuff" can multiply and dissolve at any moment.

I grew tired of questioning. One reason I left Facebook and writing in general. One reason the blog became a source of increased anxiety versus the relief that I was used to feeling. Not sure if I'll ever go back and read through the experiences of our family that I've written about.

Emotionally, it's just searching for the balance that I require to be a decent husband, father, brother, friend, etc. without giving up on exploring the difficulties that are inherent to losing a sibling, seeing Meara continue to have seizures, teaching in a profession that increasingly tries to suck out the joy and authenticity that is vital to connecting with students.

Physically, I'm just like the rest of you. Constantly tired from chasing around my own kids and attempting to meet their needs.

Mentally, damn. I hope I retain my sanity. Scared shitless of sharing the same fate as my grandparents. I miss them so much. I saw how difficult it was on my parents to see my grandparents journey through dementia in the last phase of their lives.

Depression sucks. But it's also amazing. Amazing because when I have those moments of just sitting in a $5 Walmart camping chair watching the girls play with each other in the rocks and chase each other with sticks it makes me incredibly happy to be alive. Thankful for camping and going "off the grid." Thankful for the noise of a overly saturated life to quiet at least for a few days so I am reminded that joy is simple. At least for me. The simpler the day, the process, the experience the more I can breath and take in all of the many reasons why it's important that I've stuck with it until this moment. Screw politics, division, news, bureaucracy, war, trying to be "great" and all that bullshit. It's all sources of disruption and solves absolutely nothing. There will always, always be someone or many left behind. And if it's not your physical self, it will be your soul.

We weaned Meara off of Charlottes Web because we weren't sure if it was working. She was completely off for three weeks and her seizures increased, having more while awake and involved in activity. So, we are putting her back on it. 

And for the record, today is the 4 year anniversary of Meara's first brain surgery (the grids).

And lastly, This poem by John O'Donohue is for me and you Ben.

When you lose someone you love,
Your life becomes strange,
The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;
And some dead echo drags your voice down
Where words have no confidence
Your heart has grown heavy with loss;
And though this loss has wounded others too,
No one knows what has been taken from you
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
For all that was left unsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
Again inside the fullness of life,
Until the moment breaks
And you are thrown back
Onto the black tide of loss.
Days when you have your heart back,
You are able to function well
Until in the middle of work or encounter,
Suddenly with no warning,
You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
All you can depend on now is that
Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.
More than you, it knows its way
And will find the right time
To pull and pull the rope of grief
Until that coiled hill of tears
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance
With the invisible form of your departed;
And when the work of grief is done,
The wound of loss will heal
And you will have learned
To wean your eyes
From that gap in the air
And be able to enter the hearth
In your soul where your loved one
Has awaited your return
All the time.
by John O'Donohue