Everything that broke my heart has made me rethink why and how I should spend my time living. Everyone has their share of hurt and everyone has moments when they lose their mind.
Then, light. And imperfection. And joy, and love. And laughter.
Every day is a complete restart. It's me reminding myself that I don't need anything that I don't have already. It's reminding myself that the only destination that I have is right here.
I spend time worrying about how long I have Meara. I also thank God that he gave her to me. I am thankful that I can hold her hand.
My mind is my worst enemy, my heart my best friend. I've spoken everything I'd like to say, I have expressed everything that I believe in. But living in this world provides extreme conflict. It's okay, that others have their focus and importance placed on things that are of no concern to me anymore. That is the separation of our journeys. Everyone has their own sense of belonging and the pursuit of it.
Meara had her parent teacher conference yesterday. She is growing immensely. Major themes are that she is kind and a hard worker. Teachers love to work with her.
I can't help but look at the standards for learning, society's expectation for what is important, and feel the disconnect and agitation of walking through it though. I pray that I stay strong and remember to live in the moment and not compare this life to anyone else's.
Ben is here with me throughout the ages. He's always tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Bubby, stop being stupid. Pay attention to what really matters and stop worrying about what other people think of you. Live. No regrets. Don't look back. Just move forward and live for today. Screw up and make a memory. There is no time machine that can take us back. Don't forget to live your life because you are spending time worrying. You don't need anything that you don't already have. The next destination is right this moment. Don't be stupid. I love you."
You know, for a brother that is eight years younger, he really knows how to teach. And he's still teaching me. I give this moment my fullest attention.
I owe Meara this life. I promised her love, protection, guidance, patience and infinite embrace the moment I held her for the first time. Everything else is just…not important.
This life is a pilgrimage.