I just realized that the last time I wrote was in August. That might be the longest I've gone...
The 40's are just damning...just darkest of them all perhaps. Just when you think you have some things figured out, there it comes, the cracks reveal themselves at every turn. And yet, I am the lucky one.
Five weeks in for all of us, trying to do our part and keep the greater good ahead of the individual needs and habits. It's hard. And yet, in all of this chaos and uncertainty, there is a simplicity and spiritual implosion that seemed overdue.
You know what I'm talking about. If you really get serious and refuse to blow smoke in anyone's face you'll admit that pre-COVID 19 we were all just asleep at the wheel driving harder and harder to meet some made up measurement of success, or happiness, or life meaning. Whatever you want to call it, doesn't matter...it can remain nameless but you know exactly what I am talking about.
Consider this, an asteroid or volcano can take out the earth at any moment. It has before and it is only a matter of time until it happens again. We have had pandemics before, this is nothing new. Just new to our generations. We behave in our lives as if the amount we have in the 401K matters, or the size of house, or the salary we make. How many degrees we have or how many lines we have in our email signature. We have this idea that at some point we have made it, or that we will rest because the work is finally done.
But what if the asteroid hit tomorrow? Would you worry about any of that? Would all the money in the world matter anymore? Of course not. So what if you lived as if that were going to happen at any moment?
Best thing about COVID-19? You don't need an overly complicated, scheduled life to find meaning or connection. All you have to do is turn inward or towards the very dear ones that you live with.
I've spent more time with my family over the past five weeks than I have in a very very long time.
Meara has had a tough year. Middle school sucks. It does, no way around it. You get it. It's no good for anyone. At least for honest people. But hers has been especially tough. The specifics on that is for another day, another post. But related to epilepsy its been really hard. Her seizures have gotten more intense and more frequent. A few nights ago her two and half minute seizure caused temporary paralysis on both sides and temporary loss of vision. The bad ones are easy to figure out because it starts with her saying "No! No! No! Daddy! No! Mommy! No! No!" and then it turns into a wrestling match to get her to stay on her back and not turn over so her mouth is not facing the pillow or mattress.
I hate to say this but Megan and I almost high five'd each other when it was done. Know why? Because we avoided the rescue med and a trip to the ER. Now is obviously the worst of times to be going to the hospital.
We aren't entitled to anything in this world. COVID-19 has taught us that. Painful lessons, extremely painful. For some it is missed graduation ceremonies, for some it is job loss, for others it is the ultimate...the loss of a loved one.
And here we are reminded that we are owed nothing, entitled to nothing but our own appreciation for what we have and experience in this one moment, right here right now. Scary, right? But what if that was the key that unlocked the handcuffs we've been operating from for most of our lives.
I used to live in the moment, for the moment, when I was younger. Along the way I found myself in the same trap as the rest of you. Career, accumulation of stuff, of achievement milestones...somehow thinking any of it would give me rest when I reached the top of that made up mountain.
But it didn't. I feel just as small as I ever have. And I feel just as inadequate and raw, and insecure as my worst day.
And you know what? It ain't bad. It ain't bad at all. You know why? Because it's real. So real. Something I have done right over the past eleven years is work my way towards authentic living. Beauty is the ability to say to yourself that brokenness and struggle is not something to be fixed, rather something to cast the reel and see what you can pull out of that reckless sea.
Yes, I am the lucky one. I have a daughter who at any point could need a rescue med to stay alive. I have a younger brother in heaven. I have a genetic link to depression. And wouldn't you know it, when my students describe me they always start with "Mr. E is funny..."
If you ever thought that you'd be done learning then it probably means you have a lot more learning to do. What is the take away...here in my 40's...what is it? What have I figured out? Just that what matters most is not what others tell you matters. It's usually staring you down, right in front of you. But you are so afraid to shut out the noise, and the judgement of others that you completely miss it. How long can we chase that tail? For however long it takes...to get right back to yourself.
I've always said that I don't know much. I do know what music I like. I know that I love my wife and children so much that it actually hurts at times. I know the name of my best friend and I know that I am reasonably good at keeping children's attention and teaching them how to keep a steady beat, have accurate rhythm, and read notes off of a treble clef staff. I know how to load a camping trailer, hook it up to a tow vehicle and calculate the payload so I don't destroy the axles.
I know about as much stuff as the next person. But I still don't know when this is all going to end. Or where the finish line is, or what the real definition of success is, or if there actually is one.
And the real question that I guess should be asked...does it matter anyway? Probably not. At least for me. The answer for me goes something like this:
You are who you are the minute you were born. You've always been you. Just learning along the way. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. Just adding experience and knowledge while tripping over failures and lost opportunities. But that's about it. There is no getting control of anything. It is just a ride...a roller coaster with a seat belt to keep you from falling out...and you trust with all your might that it will hold you until the moment it is time for the ride to end.
Here is the awesome news ya'll...beauty can always be repaired.
Beauty can always be repaired. Get on it.
