"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." - Albert Einstein
There might be some skepticism about whether Einstein actually said this but it doesn't matter in the case of my thoughts and emotions unleashed here in this blog. So whoever said this…thank you for the catalyst.
I'm not going to imagine or dare paint a picture of idealistic roses concerning our present state of decision-making about Meara's treatment. It's been hard. There have been moments of complete loss…the moment when you think to yourself that the anchor has been dropped and you just hope that it doesn't take the ship down with it.
I think that the reason I've had this uneasy feeling is because in our gut, in our hearts, Megan and I know (and are completely aware) that we are blessed for Meara to come out of her first surgery with such few motor deficits. Well, we think very few deficits at all.
The doctors conferenced. They determined that the current seizures are coming from the insula. Meara's first surgery was a partial resection of both the insula and temporal areas. The insula was the reason the second surgery itself was so risky (the resection surgery). The insula is where her motor strip is and where major personality components are placed (empathy, romantic love, etc.)
The thought of having to remove more of her insula and incur these deficits is tough. Mainly because of how well she came out of the last one. Also, the actual surgery is risky…lots of major blood vessels to navigate through to get there. To be fair, we haven't met with the surgeon yet and we are still in the process of determining if she is has a strong chance of seizure control from a second resection. We have a week long hospital stay the week of Memorial Day to complete a spect scan (similar to a petscan). This test will give the doctors more specific location and address to where the seizures are coming from within the insula.
So what do we do? What do we decide? What path will provide Meara the best quality of life? Who knows. Megan and I don't. That's for sure. It's a best guess. It's intuition and rationale in perfect balance. And what is the recipe for that balance? What is the most appropriate solution to the problem? What will she say to us when she is 18 and looks back on the decision we made? Will she be happy with the path we chose for her? Or will she have wished that we had made a different decision?
She really is a beautiful, kind soul. Ridiculously silly in nature but a friend to everyone. She's perfect. Now, how do we make sure she stays that way? Is it by trying to take the seizures away (further surgery) and risk losing a part of her perfect nature? Or is it to let the seizures be a part of who she is and hope that they don't take away a part of her perfect nature?
So, Mr. Einstein (or whoever laid this thought to pen and paper), I think that you might have a point. I just hope that our intuition serves Meara best and that the rationale will provide peace for it.
Love to everyone.