60 beats per minute

Went to see Cloud Cult with Andrea and Mark and haven’t been connected to music like this in awhile.

Many directions to take this reflection and a hell of a lot of complex thoughts to dissect.  One of them is the notion of what it means to have a “normal” existence on this earth, in society and all its constructs.

Because nothing about being Meara’s parent is normal. The depth of love that I have for her is not something that can be captured in a sentence or fancy words. It’s literally beyond explanation.

All the things that I experience has a feeling and emotion attached to it. I walk into a room and I am curious, without discipline, picking up on the emotions of others. It’s exhausting. All my life I’ve felt like an outsider, someone who feels deeply, to the point that I am consumed with the heaviness of living amongst myself and others.

I say this out loud because I am not ashamed anymore. I have Meara to thank for this. She has given me a second chance. A rebirth if you will. She was meant to reflect all of my insecurities and all of my strengths. Chasing her is a journey into the vulnerable world of paradox and mystery. 

All the years spent running away from myself only to return home again. The place where who I am is not who I want to be, or who I should be. It is simply who I am.

I am but a speck among countless specks. And we are all connected to each other. As is the ground that we walk on and the air we breathe. Beliefs, opinions, preferences and desires are all personal to who we are and how we identify with our own inner self. But they do not define, determine, restrict, nor give approval to our ability and need to connect with each other.

We get too caught up in things that we think we are or how we should behave. But we fail to place entire importance on the things that ultimately connect us as human beings. Like love, and loss. Pain, and happiness. Failure and strength. All of us have a piece of each other in them. It’s called empathy and divine light that begs to shine in the hopes of feeling a connection with others. Some find it in their soulmate, others find it in complete strangers, and everywhere in between.

There is so much to learn and so much pain and sadness to work through. There is also peace and a sense of belonging to meet up with. It takes risk, and courage. But the alternative is filled with destruction, hate, isolation, and poison that will run through your veins leaving a path of spiritual and emotional violence.

Our energy is consumed, expended, in many ways. The way we see fit for whatever particular reason or situation. I hope that in old age I will look back and find content that I used my energy wisely. Not for necessary gain or accomplishment but for a deep sense of belonging. 

Bells ring and remind me to wake up. Wake up to the belonging that all of us desire, whether we are courageous enough to admit it or not. Captain Lenie, brave soul among the rough and cold Antarctic waters, did not sail because he had to, not because he was expected to. He was simply himself, following his soul’s direction, he had found his belonging.

There is so much of him in all of us. Are we ready to put our guard down, to possibly show our true self to each other? In a sea of rough and dangerous water? I think we are, one small step at a time. One interaction, conversation at a time.